Don't define me

Don't define me or Equal but different

(As long as different doesn’t mean equal in any way at all)

A few days ago I went to the doctor and as I waited for my turn the receptionist felt compelled to break the silence with a little small talk (frankly, I prefer silence).  She soon asked, "So are you ready for Thanksgiving?”  I thought to myself, "What's to get ready for? We bought a turkey, I'll cook it the morning of and my wife will make a pumpkin pie and the rest of the attending family members will bring their assigned items and magically an entire feast will be assembled".  So I simply responded, "Sure".  To which she replied with a grin on her face, "Oh I guess I should have asked if your wife is ready, you probably get to watch football all day".  I thought to myself, how offensive, how presumptuous of her to assume that because I am a man I probably will not only not cook, I will not even help out at all!  Worse, based solely on my gender it is assumed that I will sit lazily on a couch scratching myself as I watch overpaid fat athletes bang into each other while all the hard working women in my life frantically scurry around preparing a thanksgiving banquet for me!  In response and to be polite,  I gave an understanding smile and quickly immersed myself back into my outdated reception room magazine hoping to avoid any further condescending small talk.

Internally, this conversation just bugged.  I sat there stewing about it.  The ignorance and casual presumptive assumption of it all--Don't judge me because I'm male.  My body parts do not define who I am.  Neither do they dictate what I enjoy or what one should expect from me.  Do not presume, to know me because the other men in your life are losers and therefore by gender default I must be a loser too!

Somewhat related to this experience a week or so earlier I was asked to attend a regional Priesthood leadership training meeting and was asked to bring the young men from the quorum presidencies with me.  There we sat shoulder to shoulder in a musty chapel full of boys and men crammed into uncomfortable benches for yet another priesthood training meeting.  There is rarely a month or two that passes that we do not have some form of leadership training whether it is the occasional World-wide leadership training, Semi-annual General priesthood meetings, Regional Priesthood leadership training,  Semi-annual Stake Priesthood training (Saturday session of Stake Conference), Semi-annual Ward Conference Priesthood training as well as the plethora of weekly local priesthood quorum trainings, meetings and activities.  When the young men are not at one of these training meetings they are participating in the scouting, varsity or venture programs where they also learn and implement leadership skills.  In whole if the boys are awake even half of the time, they will have been given countless hours of leadership training and opportunities by the time they leave home and enter the real world.  Most begin this transition by serving a full time mission.  As missionaries they will be hurled far from home and be expected to be valiant ambassadors of Jesus Christ.  They will not only be there to teach the gospel, but to be representatives of the Church--they will be expected to not only have answers to questions but to have the necessary leadership skills to implement and train new members and budding new church leaders in the programs of the church.

A few minutes into the first talk the General Young Men’s President announced how the number of missionaries around the world has skyrocketed in the last year as the mission age requirement has lowered.  This is especially true, he commented, for the number of sister missionaries that now account for up to 40% of missionaries in some missions!  He then went on to confirm how vital leadership training, like the training we are receiving tonight, is in preparing these young men for the challenges they will be facing in the short years ahead.

I looked around at a sea of boys and men packed wall to wall to over-capacity and not a single female in sight.  As the president reported, 40% of some missions are female and yet there was not one female invited to attend this regional leadership and future missionary training meeting!  One might argue, that this was a meeting just for young men sponsored by the young men leaders, so young women were not invited.  Very well, then should there not be a parallel training meeting hosted by the general Young Women's presidency to benefit those future female missionaries and leaders?  But there is not one scheduled, nor will there be, for when the young women's leaders teach they do not teach about missionary work and leadership skills, regardless of the fact that so many of those under their stewardship do in fact serve missions and carry the weight of presiding over others.  They instead lopsidedly and gender specifically preach about virtue, modesty, marriage and homemaking skills or merely how to support the priesthood and leaders in their lives.  That means that 40% of the missionaries who will be knocking on doors, preaching the gospel, committing prospective investigators to baptism, reactivating inactive members, implementing church programs and yes, even training others in their respective callings will not have been given the same preparatory training as their counterpart male missionaries have received.  Are they not called by a prophet of God and similarly ordained to be ambassadors and representatives of Jesus Christ?  Yet they are singled out and excluded based solely on gender role assignment and assumptions.  Worse, if pressed, these same male leaders which amply supply young men with opportunities would look blankly in response having never even considered to offer females the same opportunity to sup at the preparatory feast of training!  

When women raise their voices to be heard, to express their desire to be treated the same as their equal male counter-parts, the response is an underwhelming, “Equal doesn’t mean same” or more destructively, “Know your place!”  These clichés are so demeaning.  It states that we know that you are equal, but we choose to not treat you as such.  It states that although we are equal, we (as men) alone will define who you should be and what you should do, think, and feel.  Or there is it’s ugly cousin expression to consider, “Equal but different”, meaning we are equal but we will treat you differently, have different expectations for you, different qualifications and considerations for your capacity, purposes and roles in life.

So amongst the throngs of accolades heralding the triumphs of this modern day missionary miracle, we are left to wonder with awe that the bulk of this insurgence has come from a heroic band of females who serve and thrive valiantly in spite of being largely overlooked and disproportionately sheltered from preparation. 

I do not believe that we can paint gender in such broad strokes as if all boys and girls have the same desires, tendencies, capacities, interests or strengths.  I like to cook and women serve missions.  Neither of us should be judged or inhibited because we differ from the traditional roles that society or religion may have assigned to us.  Life with all it's possibilities and opportunities should be available and encouraged for everyone regardless of gender.  Those who impose restrictions or favoritism based on gender are guilty of nothing less than gender bigotry.  Forcing the conformity of traits and expectations based solely on gender "contradicts the genius of God, who created every man different from his brother, every son different from his father" and every women different from her sister, every daughter different from her mother and every person different from each other (Uchtdorf, 'Four titles', G.C. April 2013).  Forcing gender traits upon men and women, creates shame in those who try as they may, cannot conform to what is expected.  Shame drains a person of their power to act effectively in their life.

It is a completely outdated notion that men are innately designed or born with tendencies to excel in certain traits and positions while women are in opposing ones.  Yet society and often religion is based largely on these traditional roles as if they were divinely inspired gender birthrights.  I have met fantastic and inspirational women in business and leadership positions as well as horrible and incompetent men in similar positions.  I served with male missionaries that were beyond stellar, but many others that were spiritually pathetic, personally disgusting and often down right lazy and useless.  At the same time, I was inspired by several female missionaries whose testimonies burned with fire and whose faith could convert entire villages.  I have likewise seen tender, empathetic fully engaged men who cared for their children and the children of others.  Contrastingly, I have encountered women who were negligent and abusive to their children and horrible homemakers.  I know men who are incredible chefs and women who couldn't boil water if their life depended on it.  I know women who like to hunt and watch football and men who do ballet and tap dancing.  Yet we inexplicably and preemptively dismiss and sideline both boys and girls respectfully due to gender biased roles and activities regardless of the fact that reality paints a conflicting picture of gender neutrality to all aspects of life.  

As a society, religion, or individual we must aware of and remove these imaginary walls of gender predispositions.  We must encourage others, especially our children, to seek internally, rather than externally to validate and define themselves.  Each must learn to develop their own divinely given strengths and interests.  Individual success should be measured in happiness and self-awareness, rather than our current failed and meaningless measuring stick of outward recognition of traditional gender role check off boxes. 

Reverse Backwards, A few out of the box unsolicited opinions

As I have been reading some of my other favorites Bloggers out there I had a few out of the box thought reactions to their posts and felt it good to share something not so deep for a change.  So here are a few snippets of my aberrant after-thought perspectives on Marriage, Eternity, Babies, and the After Life:


On Marriage and Eternity:
If the definition of Eternal is no beginning and no end, thus, forever forward, but also forever back, then what does Eternal Marriage or Eternal Families really mean?  Does it mean that our families have always been our families?  My spouse has always been my spouse?  That we have always existed together like a family cluster of grapes on the vine of eternity?  When we got married here, was that just an earthly formality of a forever previous relationship we have always had together?  Was the birth of our children really just an family reunion, rather than a first introduction?


On Getting Remarried and Eternity:

In the spirit of eternal existence and eternal marriage I can not for the life of me understand getting remarried if a spouse dies, more especially sealed to another spouse.  Does our wife/husband somehow stop existing just because we can no longer see them?  Does our marriage evaporate or get put on hold when death temporarily separates us?  Are they not just on the other side of a very thin veil patiently waiting for us to join them?  I see death like moving from one room in the house to another.  We both still exist just living in different rooms. Would any of us feel justified getting remarried just because our spouse leaves the family room to temporarily be in the kitchen?  Wouldn't that be absurd?  Yet in reality that is what so many feel they need to do or are counseled to do.

Will it not be an awkward reunion if we remarry and then when we too pass over, leaving the arms of our backup spouse and suddenly be expected to spring back into the waiting arms of our first?  Will we not by this time feel a bit emotionally estranged from our former love?  Would we not feel like in someway or form that we have been unfaithful to our original spouse and marriage?  How would we cope with the emotional whiplash hopping from one relationship to another and then suddenly be thrown back into the first?  How would that conversation go, "Oh while you were away...".  Then assuming you could be forgiven and a relationship salvaged, one must know that the dreadful day will eventually come when the second spouse will also pass over and then what?  Yet another, even more awkward and inevitably uncomfortable reunion, like asking two different dates to the prom--it can't end well!  Either the three of them will have to come together in some awkward unconsented polygamistic union or one, if not all three, will have their hearts broken and their marriage and anticipated eternity disassembled! The horrors!! What lack of foresight and faith in your partner and Eternal Marriage.

Now I am not judging, I'm sure every possible scenario and situation exists out there and decisions, happiness and circumstances may very well necessitate or validate getting remarried.  To all of which, marriage is a thing of beauty and happiness and foreverness--and everyone deserves to receive this in abundance and should seek after this.  But to those who already have it and are unfortunately or inconveniently, but temporarily, robbed of this joy in this life, I say again in the vast general picture of forever, I don't understand the need to immediately replace something that is still intact, but just unseen. You may not see your spouse, but they still exist and so does your marriage. When the sun sets we know it will rise again in the morning, so we wait patiently and anticipate it's return and sure enough it does.

Interestingly and at quite a contrast in theology there are those who live their life without the opportunity to marry for whatever reason and we council them to be patient and endure faithfully and all blessings and happiness of eternal marriage will eventually be theirs, why can't we say the same to those whose spouses prematurely die?  Instead they are encouraged to immediately fill their bed with a new companion.  Wouldn't it be more respectful and honorable to our marriage covenants and our spouses themselves if instead we could endure this trial quietly and faithfully, anxiously anticipating the glorious future reunion of our eternal spouses?  Isn't that a more beautiful and valiant love story than the inevitable awkward hodgepodge of marital collisions that awaits those who just couldn't wait for eternity?!



On Babies in Bellies:
We often praise the majesty and beauty of pregnancy.  The awesome wonder of creating life, but seriously if it wasn't for the fact that we all came to earth this way wouldn't this be stuff you'd expect from a SiFi horror film?  Scenes from famous films pop into mind having a living creature swimming and moving about inside of you, like a parasitic worm or alien with sharp teeth ready to burst through your stomach at any given moment!

Also if the tables were turned and we in our matured conscience were now stuck inside of another human being (assuming we could fit) how gross would that be?  To have our head cuddled up somewhere between a pancreas and a beating heart? Our constricted feet bouncing up and down all day on someone else's bladder?  Our elbows continually jamming into ribs or the occasional kidney or spleen as we attempt to stretch or move? Or how about being completely surrounded by the nauseating gurgling, expanding and contracting intestines with their rhythmic gastric fluctuations and bowel movements?  And then to be stuffed inside of a sack of corn syrup-like fluid, left in total darkness and silence, with a food spick-it jammed into your belly button and a tar-like plug stuffed up your back side!?  Seriously, how could that ever be ok?

But since that's how we all came to earth, it's beautiful.



On Death and After Life:
My parents are really into genealogy.  They often blog about their ancestors and include photos and stories about their lives and accomplishments.  I wonder what the conversations are with those who have already past on, you know these same ancestors on the other side of the veil?  Do they write blogs about their great-great....grandchildren who are alive today?  Do those who most recently die share our stories with them so as for them to pine toward us?  Will they know or anticipate us joining them when we die?

Also, do you think that those who have died are stuck in their time era or will we find Pre-magnum-man, Noah, Mozart, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther King all sporting skinny jeans, flat brimmed hats, non-prescription glasses and Toms?

How cool must the entertainment be in Spirit Prison?  Seriously, think about whose probably there? The music concerts, plays, movies and comedy shows must be off the hook!  I might just sign up to do missionary work there just to get tickets to see their performances!  On the other hand if the only option in Paradise are Tabernacle Choir revivals I may kill myself if I wasn't already dead.

The Forgotten Grey

In life we often herald the white sheep of society for their accomplishments, perfections, talents and positions while on the other hand we pride ourselves for heroically searching and feeling after the rebellious or lost black sheep, attempting to return them to 'the fold', but what about the rest of us, the grey sheep, the vast faceless majority which are unceremoniously forgotten in oblivion? 

We see these grey sheep everywhere, at church we see them setting up the chairs before meetings, shoveling the walks on a early snowy day, reverently singing in the choir and faithfully, but unmemorably, magnifying their callings.  These are those members who you recognize but can't quite recall their names, they hand you chalk from the library, they tend your kids in the nursery, they take your boys to scout camps and make quilts and meals for the needy.  Silently and quietly they are always there, not in the fore front of attention or position, nor are they in the background on some 'concerned about' list, they are just the middle of the road pew filling member.  The same can be said in most families, there are those whose personalities and accomplishments make them the shining star like a vortex sucking all family attention toward them and them alone; then there are those kids who are off the deep end whose negative actions demand their parents ever waking concern and worry, which, of course, leaves the middle rest who are just there, loved but unnoticed.  

With so little time and so many demands we all make daily choices as to what we will give our attention to, what we will praise and enjoy and what we will worry and strive after.  If something has to give, more often than not it's the grey sheep in our lives that get the mouses share of everything.

In time some of these forgotten grey sheep get discouraged, feel left out, abandoned or ignored and they slowly wander off, often shedding their grey wool for black (metaphorically), in search for something more than what their grey life offered them.  It is usually not until this transition has occurred that any of the other sheep even notice that they are missing. 

In conjunction with this unfortunately common prodigal son-like scenario, I recently read an interesting article the other day which said something to the effect (and yes I am too lazy to just look it up and quote it exactly), "The further you run from God, the more he wants you".  While I am sure God always wants us, it does seem true that there is definitely more attention, prayers and concerted efforts given to those who are deem as 'leaving us' than are given to those who are actually standing right beside us (ie. ignoring or under appreciating the dutiful grey sheep son and heaping on the attention and subsequent celebration for the black sheep son who eventually returns).  It goes on to say, "If the prodigal son never ran away, the fatted calf would still be alive".  This last statement is as profound as it is troubling.  Why do we hesitate to celebrate, cheer on, or rally around the grey sheep of our lives?  Why must we wait till the grey turns black till we suddenly desire to be a part of their lives?

Our ward recently rallied around a valiant young man (white sheep) in our ward who was diagnosed with cancer.  The cancer was in a tricky and vital spot and the treatment outcome was precarious.  This valiant youth soon became the central focus of countless prayers and multiple days of devout fasting.  The day of surgery came and the surgeon was amazed at how well the procedure went, finishing hours earlier than expected.  A few days later lab results returned showing clean tissue margins--the young man was officially cancer free; A true testament of the combined power of faith, prayer and fasting--in truth, a miracle.  Later as my wife and I were contemplating this outpouring of love, faith and unity with it's resulting blessings, she commented (and in no way taking away from this young man's humbly received miracle), "wouldn't it be so neat if we could rally this much for those among us who quietly suffer in silence?"  

There are so many whose trials are not visible to the naked eye, whose pain and hardships are too personal, too deep or not as socially embracing or acceptable.  Wouldn't they also greatly benefit from the collective faith and prayers of others.  Yet, these forgotten sheep are all around us--suffering in plain sight.  Unbeknownst to others these faithful grey sheep carry immeasurable burdens--scars of physical, emotional and sexual abuse, depression, anxieties, lack of self-confidences, fears, inabilities, failures, past transgressions, embarrassments or the ever increasing incidences of having a personal crisis of faith.  These unseen tribulations can cause these grey sheep to feel very isolated, vulnerable and alone.  Many turn away, many are lost.  Who will seek after them?  Who will be their Shepard?  Will they return when they hear our voice?  After a lifetime of disregard can we expect these wounded and lost souls to respond to our belated beckoned call? 

Let us notice the grey.  Let us open our eyes to see and our hearts to feel while they are right beside us.  Let us not give any the reason to exclaim as the good son said to his father when his prodigal brother returned, "Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends, But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf (Luke 15:29-30).  While I think it is appropriate that we should rejoice when the lost are found, let us not forget to cherish those who already quietly stand amongst us.

Disclaimer: As I have been here discussing the metaphorical existence of white, grey and black sheep I want to emphasize that this overt act of classification is nothing more than the biased discrimination of flawed mortals attempting to assess not only a prescribed value of the worth (or worthiness) of others, but also their own perceived assessment in relationship with this artificially construed measuring stick of whiteness.  Regrettably the foundation and measurements of this ruler is based on false assumptions and perceptions.  It is my belief that thinking in metaphorical terms of black, white or grey artificially raises, debases or marginalizes entire segments of humanity into unjustifiable conclusions of success, failure or inconsequence.  Not only is this thought process harmful (in every possible way) it is completely and categorically a false and malignant perversion of true perception. 

If we can be open to see as God sees we will find that God doesn't work in grayscale at all, but that we, His divine offspring, are actually full of immense colors with endless potential and possibilities.  Each child of God holds within themselves uniquely divine and individual traits and strengths, many of which are just waiting to burst forth if given the opportunity.  There are no grey, no black and no white sheep amongst the children of God, those are distinctions we have placed on ourselves and others, it is not what God sees and it is not what truth dictates.  We are not defined by others and we have no right to define others.  We must stop artificially raising some up on worshipful pedestals while casting out others as wholly inferior to ourselves, all while ignoring the remaining residue.  

Embrace those around you, discover what makes them special and unique.  See the vibrant colors and potentials in everyone.  Cherish them, love them, enjoy them and then be patient with them, allowing them to come into their own and blossom into the genius that God created them to become.

On gnats and camels

My wife just wrote the most farcical blog about 'Men's Modesty', which sarcastically turns the table of judgement against women to men.  She also touches on the absurdity of modesty of babies  (read it here).  Not only was it hilarious, but more importantly it was brilliantly on the mark.   As I tried to share my thoughts through commenting, I quickly realized I had to much to say to leave it as a mere comment, so thus the blog post before you.

I often feel like some people today live life like the Pharisees and Scribes of old that are actively straining at gnats while ignorantly swallowing camels of judgement and condemnation.  In the days of Moses, God wanted to give his people the higher law of the gospel, a law that would teach correct principles and allow the people to follow the spirit and govern themselves.  They rejected that freedom and panted for more rules and regulations.  They threw out thinking for themselves and wanted to be walled in by strict commandments, thus removing the risk of losing their way to heaven.  God obliged and they received the Law of Moses with it's plethora of restrictions.  In time, they replaced worshiping God in their hearts with worshiping the law He provided.  They lost sight of the it's purpose and underlining meaning.  Eventually, they crucified the very God that gave them their law, in absurd twist of irony trying to protect it.

Today while initially well intentioned, through time words of caution and wisdom become indoctrinated and canonized into cultural commandment.   In place of freedom to individually follow the spirit and govern ourselves, little by little people start building additional walls of restrictions and blame, trying to once again shackle the masses into an ever narrowing corridor to heaven.  Elusions of this my be made to restrictions against cola drinks, facial hair, ear piercings, tattoos, face cards and yes the wearing of bikinis--the immoral, virtue destroying two piece bathing suit!  Please.  At times it feels as if the desire to become a peculiar people is just for the sake of being peculiar!

Regardless of the ever glaring cultural condemnation of these 'taboos' the fact remains that their presence alone will not in ANY WAY prohibit one from entering the Celestial Kingdom.  Even more contradictorily obvious to their non-spiritually-disqualifyingness is the fact that any worthy member who also chooses to participate in these 'taboos' can still receive a temple recommend, remain completely worthy to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, and receive and magnify church callings.  That is to say that regardless of the violation of these seemingly arbitrary culturally based restrictions individuals can remain virtuous.  Yet this fact is completely contradicted by the unnecessary culturally-based shame that often accompanies these individuals for violating these 'taboos'.  In many ways, or so it seems to appear at times, it is more socially favorable to look righteous, than to be righteous.  It is easy to outwardly judge and thus those who are appear to be clean, but in fact are privately dirty, skate by unscathed, while those who are inwardly pure, but outwardly divergent will likely get the lion's share of looks and gossip.

One may be quick to say, that the outward is a reflection of the inward.  In some cases it may be.  Yet, are we justified to assume inward malice solely on the basis of an outward difference?  On the other hand, reason would scream madness if we likewise assessed the outwardly appearance of 'purity' as systematically indicative of an inward innocence.  For this reason we do not judge.  We do not assume.  We do not presuppose.  We simply love and seek to understand.

All else being equal...

...If a person drinks coke, they will not go to hell any more so than the person who eats McDonalds Big Macs, deep fried butter at the fair or more than their fair share of Crispy Cream doughnuts.  All are putting unhealthy garbage in their body, yet only Cola seems to 'offend' the temple of our body?

...A man who allows his facial hair to grow is no less spiritual or worthy of the spirit as a man whose chin is squeaky clean.  The same may be true for those with multiple ear piercings, a tattoo or the playing of face cards.  One may question the motivation to their presence, but alone does not disqualify one for the companionship of the Holy Ghost or diminish one's worthiness.

...A woman who wears a two piece swim suit is no less virtuous as one who wears a single piece suit.

...In a similar highly judged situation, if a young man decides not to serve a mission.  He will be missing out on a potentially amazing experience of service and love, but that alone does not disqualify him from eventually achieving all the blessing of heaven.  Let's not jump to believe that all is lost for that young man and endlessly shame them to feel that they are less than the potential they still have.

The core of this issue lies in the fact that sin is defined by the motivation behind the act, not the act itself.  If more time was spent getting to know the individual instead of instinctively assuming their guilt, one may find the innocence behind their behavior and the formerly unseen strength of their testimony and virtue.  In contrast, those 'perfect' people who love to cast out their eager judgment, gossip and shame are in truth the ones most guilty of offending the spirit.

I do not want to appear blind to the possible risks of these 'taboos', it is true that many of these things can lead to true sin, thus they might be considered gateway transgressions--for this reason we are counseled to avoid them, even if it is just to avoid the appearance of evil.  The honest of heart, therefore, should listen and carefully consider the admonitions given and thus potentially avoiding a future spiritual collapse.  That said, regardless of a councilors pure intentions, it is imperative to understand that these 'taboos' are not sin in and of themselves and therefore should not be treated or judged as being such. The fear of a future failing simply can not and should not be constructed into a present imperfection.

So everyone, lets take it down a notch.  Council is good, advice is great, suggestions are wonderful, but let's not get carried away to transform them into law.  The gospel has been restored and the Holy Ghost given, we have ascended enough to govern ourselves.  Let's not relinquish our freedom by building more pharisaical walls and restrictions.  Instead, let our judgements be nearer to God's as He looketh not upon our outward appearances, but looketh upon our hearts.

Slurping, Burping, & Crunching Ice

We all have been there and seen the reprehensible display of others at dinner.  Hopefully, it wasn't others looking at us in disgust as we engorged ourselves covered in gravy, slurping, burping and lost in ravenous gluttony with our noses pressed deep into a food trough!  

As a leader of the 16-18 year old Young Men in our church one of our goals is to prepare this boys for the world of dating.  Today we are hosting a co-ed Dating Dinner Etiquette experience where we will teach our young boys and girls how to act properly on a date over dinner.  I learned a lot from researching etiquette's does and don'ts and thought it would be good to share my findings with all my many few readers.

Preparing for the date:

1.  Dress appropriately for the occasion.  Nicer restaurants may have a dress code.  Showing up to a formal restaurant in shorts is inappropriate (regardless if they seat you or not).  If in doubt ask your date what to wear.  Have the courtesy to inform your date of your plans and reservations so they can come prepared for the dates' environment and activities.

2.  Hats and Caps: Although commonly seen in casual restaurants, it's really not proper etiquette to keep a hat on when eating. 

3.  Lipstick: A lady should refrain from replenishing lipstick before coming to the table in order to prevent an imprint of lipstick on the rim of a glass or a napkin.

4.  Electronic Devices: Turn off or silence all electronic devices before entering the restaurant. If you forgot to turn off your cell phone, and it rings, immediately turn it off. Do not answer the call. Do not text, and if you have a smart phone do not browse the Internet at the table.  Nothing screams, "I am not interested in you or your company" than to be preoccupied with your phone.  Turn it off and put it away.  You are on a date--That should demand your full attention and focus.

When you first arrive:

1.  Typically when sitting enter the chair from the left and exit from the right.  If on a formal date a gentleman draws out the chair for his date (seated on his right if in a large group), pushes her chair into place, and seats himself. To avoid congestion, it is easier if ladies approach their chairs from the right.

2.  Place your napkin on your lap as soon as you sit down. If you leave for a few moments during the meal, place your napkin on your chair. When you leave at the end of the meal, leave your napkin to the left of your dinner plate.  Placing your napkin on the table is the signal to your waiter that you are done eating and ready to leave. 

3.  If your date will be paying for the meal, be considerate of the costs, order from the mid-priced offerings on the menu.

4.  Order and eat what you know. Stay away from awkward, messy, or exotic foods. Ignore finger foods, such as lobster or spare ribs. In fact, you should avoid eating with your fingers altogether, unless you are in a sandwich shop, in which case you should make a point of avoiding the leaky, over-stuffed menu items.  

5.  Table Manners: Your social graces and general demeanor at the table can tell much about you. For instance, over-ordering food or drink can signal poor self-discipline. At the very least, it will call into question your judgement and maturity. High-handed behavior toward waiters and bus-people could reflect negatively. Your dates concerns are amplified when you return food or complain about the service; actions which, at the very least, find fault with your date's choice of restaurant.  By the same token, you will want to observe how your date behaves. After all, you eventually marry the people you date, and their behavior to servers in a restaurant can tell you a lot about how they might treat you.

Eating Etiquette:

1.  The time to start eating, of course, is when you both have your food and your begin together; the time to stop is when your date is done; It is rude to continue eating far after the other has finished (even if your still hungry or haven't finished your meal). 

2.  Eat lightly and avoid messy food. On a good date you will be doing more talking than eating and you don’t want to be wearing your meal during the date.  Remember you are on a date, dinner & food are merely supplemental to the date.  Eating your food or finishing your food is not the purpose of your date--Dating your date is!  Never forget your date, make your date your focus.  Enjoy conversation.  Get to know each other better.  You should leave the restaurant closer than when you arrived. 

3.  One Thing at a Time: Do one thing at a time at the table. If you want to sip your drink, temporarily rest your fork or knife on the plate.  If your talking, refrain from eating and drinking while mid-conversation.

4.  Savor the meal and eat slowly; it encourages conversation and keeps your focus and attention on your date. 

5.  Eating Quietly: The essence of good table manners is unobtrusiveness, a courtesy that includes eating quietly. Noise impedes conversation. Scraping a plate or loudly chewing ice is unpleasant to listen to and considered impolite.

6.  Don’t talk when you have food in your mouth, and don’t wave or point with a utensil.

7.  Utensils: Keep all your cups and glasses at the top of your place setting and well away from you. Most glasses are knocked over at a cluttered table when one stretches for the condiments or gesticulates to make a point. Of course, your manners will prevent you from reaching rudely for the pepper shaker. 

Understand the table setting. Your bread plate is to the left of your dinner plate and your water glass to the right. When you are faced with an array of knives, forks, and spoons, it is always safe to start at the outside and work your way in as the courses come.

8.  Seasoning Food: When at a dinner party or restaurant, proper table manners dictate that you taste your food before seasoning it. Hastily covering a dish with salt or drowning it in ketchup implies that you think the cook's creation needs improving on. 

9.  Cutting Food:  Cut your food into one or two bite-sized pieces at a time only. Doing this makes sense, since a plateful of cut-up food is not only unattractive but cools and dries out more quickly than food that is mostly intact.  When cutting place fork in left hand, knife in right hand, cut one to two pieces, lay knife across top of plate with blade toward you and move fork to right hand. 

10.  Using Two Utensils: Food served on a plate is eaten with a fork, and food served in a bowl is taken with a spoon. When two eating utensils or two serving utensils are presented together, such as a fork and spoon, the fork is used to steady the portion, and the spoon to cut and convey the bite to the mouth.

11.  Using a Utensil to Push Food: In formal dining the knife is used to push food against the fork. At informal meals, a knife or a piece of bread is used as a pusher, for example, to push salad onto a fork.

12.  When pausing between mouthfuls, rest your knife and fork on your plate. 

13.  Chewing Food: Take Small Bites--Take only enough food to chew and swallow in one easy bite. Moreover, it makes conversation easier. Chew your food well, and swallow it before taking another. Also remember that smacking, slurping, and collecting food in a ball in one cheek are major faux pas. When you have a mouthful of food, it is bad table manners to take a drink or talk. If you have more than a few words to say, swallow your food, rest your fork on your plate, and speak before you resume eating.

14.  Don't lick your fingers; use a napkin (that's what it's for).

Control your body:

1.  Posture:  Don’t slouch in the chair. You needn't sit stiff as a rail at the dinner table, but hunching your shoulders over the plate (a posture often associated with using a fork like a shovel) is a definite "do not." Likewise, slouching back in your chair (which makes it look as if you're not interested in the meal) is bad table manners when eating with others.

2.  Sneezing, Coughing, Blowing your Nose:  When sneezing or coughing at the table is unavoidable, cover your nose or mouth with a napkin and proceed as quietly as possible. Except in an emergency, don't use a napkin to blow your nose. Use a handkerchief instead and turn your head to the side.

3.  Burps: When a burp is coming on, cover the mouth with a napkin, quietly burp, and softly say, "Excuse me." For an attack of hiccups, excuse yourself from the table until they have passed. Rather than draw attention to the condition on return (and interrupt conversation) do not apologize in a public way. Instead, say "Sorry" quietly to the hostess and let it go at that.

4.  Elbows:  Keep your elbows off the table and at your sides. Note: This applies only when you are actually eating. It's a different story when no utensils are being used; in fact, putting your elbows on the table while leaning forward a bit during a mealtime conversation shows that you're listening intently.

5.  Fidgeting: When waiting for the food to arrive or after the meal, you may want to keep your hands in your lap, if only to resist the temptation of fiddling with the utensils or other items. Refrain from drumming your fingers, jiggling your knee, or other fidgety habits, and always keep your hands away from your hair.

6.  Reaching:  Just how close does something on the table have to be before you reach out and get it yourself? That's simple: within easy reach of your arm when you're leaning only slightly forward. Don't lean past the person sitting next to you or lunge forward trying to reach something. A request to "please pass the [item]" is required for everything beyond that invisible boundary, as is a thank-you to whoever does the passing.

7.  Always pass the salt and pepper together, even if only one is asked for.  In general, if items are not being passed to a specific person, pass food from left to right.

Being Served:

1.  The waiter serves food from your left and beverages from your right side.

2.  Always be courteous and say, "Thank you", when you are served.

Drinks:

1.  Take a drink only when you have no food in your mouth.

2.  Sip your drink, Avoid the urge to gulp your drink at the table, no matter how thirsty you are. 

3.  When drinking a beverage that contains ice cubes or crushed ice, don't crunch the ice in your mouth.

4.  If you're a woman, don't wear so much lipstick that your drinking glass will become smudged.  Refrain from refreshing your lipstick until after you are done with your meal.

Bread:

1.  Never butter a whole piece of bread. Take some butter and place it on your plate. Use the butter knife if one is available. Break a bite-sized piece off of your bread and hold it on the corner of the bread plate while you butter.  Do not tear off more than one piece at a time.  It is customary to leave the last piece of bread in the bread basket.  Ask the waiter for more if you like.

2.  Sopping with Bread: Sop up extra gravy or sauce only with a piece of bread on the end of a fork; the soaked bread is then brought to the mouth with the fork.

Soup:

1.  If soup is too hot, stir it, don’t blow.  Eat soup taking the spoon away from you, then toward you and sip from the side. Don't leave your spoon in your soup bowl.  When you have finished your soup, always place the spoon in the saucer under the soup bowl. 

Pasta:

1.  When pasta is served on a plate or in a shallow bowl, such as spaghetti, it is eaten with a fork, but if served in a deep bowl, such as ravioli, it is eaten with a spoon.

2.  Noodle length and width dictate whether you will be winding the pasta round your fork tines or cutting it. 

3.  Thin noodles are wound around fork tines. Try to pick up two or three strands with each bite to avoid a bite that becomes too large. For leverage, balance the tips of the tines against the side of the plate and wind the strands around them. A spoon is at times used to steady the fork. Inevitably, some pasta strands will still be hanging from your fork. Just quietly suck them into your mouth (this is not improper dining etiquette).

4.  Wide noodles (like ravioli or lasagne noodles) are cut.

Finishing your meal:

1.  When you have completed your meal, place your knife and fork on your plate in a 9 to 3 o’clock fashion.  Place your napkin on the table to the side of your plate.

Other things to consider:

1.  Excusing Yourself:  When you need to get up to go to the restroom, it isn't necessary to say where you're going-a simple "Excuse me, please; I'll be right back" is sufficient. At other times, a brief explanation is in order: "Please excuse me while I check with the babysitter." Leaving without a word is rude.

2.  Restaurant Buffets: When you are dining at a restaurant buffet, never go back to the buffet for a refill with a dirty plate. Leave it for the waitperson to pick up and start afresh with a clean plate.

Happy dating and may good manners be with you!

Ravenous Wolves & Burning Bonfires

With the recent controversy happening a few weeks ago concerning the Boy Scouts of America considering whether or not to drop their discriminatory membership ban of non-practicing homosexuals from participating in the scouting program there was yet again the typical polarized extremes in opinions and rants across the airwaves and on the internet.  It made me think about how easily it has become in society and especially in social media to emotionally tear each other apart like ravenous wolves.  So often we see individuals who strut about in sheep's clothing (factious cloak of religious zealotry) only to show their true inner-wolf when they spew out vicious hatred, bigotry and blind judgement against anyone who differs in opinion and belief from their own.

I often reflect on how often Christ sat down and ate with the 'sinners' and 'out casts' of society.  He sought to bring all unto him.  His mission was to lift all where they stood and make them more than they were.  He did not go in guns a blazing proving that he was right and they were wrong.  He preached love and kindness.  He promoted inclusion, not exclusion.  Yet we see little of this in the world today.  We are becoming more divisive, more polarized, and more intolerant or others and in so doing we remove ourselves from being able to reach, help, understand and lift others. 

Recently at church I came across a great conference talk (October 1992) given by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin entitled, "Spiritual Bonfires of Testimony" (see it here).  In it he tells of a story about a place in the Ukraine that was over run with wolves.  Traveling in this remote countryside was fraught with peril and danger as these wolves were not scared of humans or their weapons.  The only thing they were scared of was fire.  As long as travelers had fire with them they were safe from attacks.  He then transitions using this as an analogy as to our own spiritual danger in which Satan and his minions do circle round about us like wolves and attack us with temptation, evil and sin when we are weak or vulnerable.  Supporting this warning we can read the words of the apostle Peter who similarly wrote, "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8).  

We are all vulnerable to spiritual attacks, he warns.  However, we can fortify ourselves with the protection of a 'burning testimony'.  Like the wolves that cower in fear from fire, so too will darkness and fear flee before the bonfire of a strong and faithful testimony.

Elder Wirthlin then relays that, "unfortunately, some in the Church may believe sincerely that their testimony is a raging bonfire when it really is little more than the faint flickering of a candle".  He then explains the reason for their misperception, "Their faithfulness has more to do with habit than holiness...".  How insightful and yet poignant.  

To further clarify he quotes the Savior who was very explicit about the so-called 'righteous', “Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity” (Matt. 7:21–23).

These tragic souls clearly spent their lives in church, adhering to every rule and participating in every ceremony, but yet were found wanting at the end.  What happened?  They came to love the church more than the source and purpose of church.  With strict and unwavering adherence to the law, they lost perspective of the reason for the law.  Through time they began to separate themselves from the rest of God's children as spiritually superior and more worthy due to their relentless conformity and church organizational worship.  Yet amongst all their valiant exactness and efforts, they completely missed the mark.  They failed to be charitable.  They failed to be meek.  They failed to be humble.  As creatures of blind religious habits they outwardly did all the right things, but inwardly failed to become like Christ.

The Apostle Paul makes one of the most shocking and thought provoking comments in scriptural cannon when he wrote the following, "Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.  And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing (1 Corinthians 13:1-3).

Setting aside the obvious declaration that one devoid of charity can still develop great spiritual gifts and powers and be called to hold lofty callings within the church and even take part in miracles, prophecies and revelations, the great exclamation mark of these verses is that regardless of all the rest of our accomplishments in life, without Charity we are NOTHING!  We have failed!  Charity is the measuring stick of valiance that Christ will hold to us at the judgement bar of God.  We are not judged by what we have done, but what we have become at the end of this life.

Charity is more than service, it is more than good deeds.  It is more than doing temple work, magnifying ones calling, going to church, giving to the poor or even sacrificing ones life (as Paul stated, 'though I give my body to be burned').  Charity is not an outward act performed, it is the internal motivation or source that precedes the act.  It is true and selfless love.  Giving service to others is great and noble--it is even sanctifying, but it is the driving motivation, the pure intention, the Christ-like love behind the service that is charity.  

For those of us who devote our efforts 'defending' what we believe by tearing down others and their beliefs, making hurtful or demeaning comments or quickly passing 'righteous' judgements (with or without quoting scripture to supposedly justify yourself), know this, that THIS IS NOT CHARITY.

As Elder Wirthlin pleaded, we need more holiness in our lives and less 'habit'.  As we cultivate true charity the flikering fire of our testimonies will grow brighter and brighter until our testimony (centered on Christ) will be a raging bonfire.  The purpose of church and the scriptures are to bring us to Christ so that we can emulate our life after his and be converted.  As our testimonies grows we will replace habit for holiness and become like he is.

The prophet Moroni quoting a letter he received from his father Mormon who writes that it is in the possessing and personifying of charity that we become true followers of Christ, "And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen" (Moroni 7:45-48).  We further read that Christ being our advocate with the Father will only claim to know those who spent their lives getting to know and becoming like him (Mosiah 26:21-27).

As this latest controversy fades another one will most assuredly take it's place.  So when it does and you feel so inclined to squash another's opinion and declare the moral high ground of virtue.  Ask yourself this popular motto, 'What would Jesus do?'  Think about that, would Christ ever post the things we post?  Or would he actually listen to what others are saying and consider where they are coming from or whether they may actually have a valid point to consider? Would he show empathy? Would he try to find common ground or at least mutual respect? Would he uplift and comfort? Or would he thrash them to pieces and condemn them to hell all while patting himself on his back for being morally superior?  It turns out there is actually a WIDE line between expressing 'righteous indignation' and being a ravenous wolf.  One is based on love.

Christ is the definition of pure love--which charity, will be the yardstick to which we will all be judged.  So the next time you may want to lay down your self-assessed moral outrage you may want to first sing this popular church hymn to yourself and then decide if your actions will indeed be Christ's actions:

Have I done any good in the world today?

Have I helped anyone in need?

Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad?

If not, I have failed indeed.

Has anyone’s burden been lighter today

Because I was willing to share?

Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way?

When they needed my help was I there?

Then wake up and do something more

Than dream of your mansion above.

Doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure,

A blessing of duty and love.

There are chances for work all around just now,

Opportunities right in our way.

Do not let them pass by, saying, “Sometime I’ll try,”

But go and do something today.

’Tis noble of man to work and to give;

Love’s labor has merit alone.

Only he who does something helps others to live.

To God each good work will be known.