Don't define me

Don't define me or Equal but different

(As long as different doesn’t mean equal in any way at all)

A few days ago I went to the doctor and as I waited for my turn the receptionist felt compelled to break the silence with a little small talk (frankly, I prefer silence).  She soon asked, "So are you ready for Thanksgiving?”  I thought to myself, "What's to get ready for? We bought a turkey, I'll cook it the morning of and my wife will make a pumpkin pie and the rest of the attending family members will bring their assigned items and magically an entire feast will be assembled".  So I simply responded, "Sure".  To which she replied with a grin on her face, "Oh I guess I should have asked if your wife is ready, you probably get to watch football all day".  I thought to myself, how offensive, how presumptuous of her to assume that because I am a man I probably will not only not cook, I will not even help out at all!  Worse, based solely on my gender it is assumed that I will sit lazily on a couch scratching myself as I watch overpaid fat athletes bang into each other while all the hard working women in my life frantically scurry around preparing a thanksgiving banquet for me!  In response and to be polite,  I gave an understanding smile and quickly immersed myself back into my outdated reception room magazine hoping to avoid any further condescending small talk.

Internally, this conversation just bugged.  I sat there stewing about it.  The ignorance and casual presumptive assumption of it all--Don't judge me because I'm male.  My body parts do not define who I am.  Neither do they dictate what I enjoy or what one should expect from me.  Do not presume, to know me because the other men in your life are losers and therefore by gender default I must be a loser too!

Somewhat related to this experience a week or so earlier I was asked to attend a regional Priesthood leadership training meeting and was asked to bring the young men from the quorum presidencies with me.  There we sat shoulder to shoulder in a musty chapel full of boys and men crammed into uncomfortable benches for yet another priesthood training meeting.  There is rarely a month or two that passes that we do not have some form of leadership training whether it is the occasional World-wide leadership training, Semi-annual General priesthood meetings, Regional Priesthood leadership training,  Semi-annual Stake Priesthood training (Saturday session of Stake Conference), Semi-annual Ward Conference Priesthood training as well as the plethora of weekly local priesthood quorum trainings, meetings and activities.  When the young men are not at one of these training meetings they are participating in the scouting, varsity or venture programs where they also learn and implement leadership skills.  In whole if the boys are awake even half of the time, they will have been given countless hours of leadership training and opportunities by the time they leave home and enter the real world.  Most begin this transition by serving a full time mission.  As missionaries they will be hurled far from home and be expected to be valiant ambassadors of Jesus Christ.  They will not only be there to teach the gospel, but to be representatives of the Church--they will be expected to not only have answers to questions but to have the necessary leadership skills to implement and train new members and budding new church leaders in the programs of the church.

A few minutes into the first talk the General Young Men’s President announced how the number of missionaries around the world has skyrocketed in the last year as the mission age requirement has lowered.  This is especially true, he commented, for the number of sister missionaries that now account for up to 40% of missionaries in some missions!  He then went on to confirm how vital leadership training, like the training we are receiving tonight, is in preparing these young men for the challenges they will be facing in the short years ahead.

I looked around at a sea of boys and men packed wall to wall to over-capacity and not a single female in sight.  As the president reported, 40% of some missions are female and yet there was not one female invited to attend this regional leadership and future missionary training meeting!  One might argue, that this was a meeting just for young men sponsored by the young men leaders, so young women were not invited.  Very well, then should there not be a parallel training meeting hosted by the general Young Women's presidency to benefit those future female missionaries and leaders?  But there is not one scheduled, nor will there be, for when the young women's leaders teach they do not teach about missionary work and leadership skills, regardless of the fact that so many of those under their stewardship do in fact serve missions and carry the weight of presiding over others.  They instead lopsidedly and gender specifically preach about virtue, modesty, marriage and homemaking skills or merely how to support the priesthood and leaders in their lives.  That means that 40% of the missionaries who will be knocking on doors, preaching the gospel, committing prospective investigators to baptism, reactivating inactive members, implementing church programs and yes, even training others in their respective callings will not have been given the same preparatory training as their counterpart male missionaries have received.  Are they not called by a prophet of God and similarly ordained to be ambassadors and representatives of Jesus Christ?  Yet they are singled out and excluded based solely on gender role assignment and assumptions.  Worse, if pressed, these same male leaders which amply supply young men with opportunities would look blankly in response having never even considered to offer females the same opportunity to sup at the preparatory feast of training!  

When women raise their voices to be heard, to express their desire to be treated the same as their equal male counter-parts, the response is an underwhelming, “Equal doesn’t mean same” or more destructively, “Know your place!”  These clichés are so demeaning.  It states that we know that you are equal, but we choose to not treat you as such.  It states that although we are equal, we (as men) alone will define who you should be and what you should do, think, and feel.  Or there is it’s ugly cousin expression to consider, “Equal but different”, meaning we are equal but we will treat you differently, have different expectations for you, different qualifications and considerations for your capacity, purposes and roles in life.

So amongst the throngs of accolades heralding the triumphs of this modern day missionary miracle, we are left to wonder with awe that the bulk of this insurgence has come from a heroic band of females who serve and thrive valiantly in spite of being largely overlooked and disproportionately sheltered from preparation. 

I do not believe that we can paint gender in such broad strokes as if all boys and girls have the same desires, tendencies, capacities, interests or strengths.  I like to cook and women serve missions.  Neither of us should be judged or inhibited because we differ from the traditional roles that society or religion may have assigned to us.  Life with all it's possibilities and opportunities should be available and encouraged for everyone regardless of gender.  Those who impose restrictions or favoritism based on gender are guilty of nothing less than gender bigotry.  Forcing the conformity of traits and expectations based solely on gender "contradicts the genius of God, who created every man different from his brother, every son different from his father" and every women different from her sister, every daughter different from her mother and every person different from each other (Uchtdorf, 'Four titles', G.C. April 2013).  Forcing gender traits upon men and women, creates shame in those who try as they may, cannot conform to what is expected.  Shame drains a person of their power to act effectively in their life.

It is a completely outdated notion that men are innately designed or born with tendencies to excel in certain traits and positions while women are in opposing ones.  Yet society and often religion is based largely on these traditional roles as if they were divinely inspired gender birthrights.  I have met fantastic and inspirational women in business and leadership positions as well as horrible and incompetent men in similar positions.  I served with male missionaries that were beyond stellar, but many others that were spiritually pathetic, personally disgusting and often down right lazy and useless.  At the same time, I was inspired by several female missionaries whose testimonies burned with fire and whose faith could convert entire villages.  I have likewise seen tender, empathetic fully engaged men who cared for their children and the children of others.  Contrastingly, I have encountered women who were negligent and abusive to their children and horrible homemakers.  I know men who are incredible chefs and women who couldn't boil water if their life depended on it.  I know women who like to hunt and watch football and men who do ballet and tap dancing.  Yet we inexplicably and preemptively dismiss and sideline both boys and girls respectfully due to gender biased roles and activities regardless of the fact that reality paints a conflicting picture of gender neutrality to all aspects of life.  

As a society, religion, or individual we must aware of and remove these imaginary walls of gender predispositions.  We must encourage others, especially our children, to seek internally, rather than externally to validate and define themselves.  Each must learn to develop their own divinely given strengths and interests.  Individual success should be measured in happiness and self-awareness, rather than our current failed and meaningless measuring stick of outward recognition of traditional gender role check off boxes.